Sales person: Hi sir, welcome. Feel free to look around as I watch you like a hawk and stand beside you really close. Gusto ko sobrang lapit. Ayan maamoy ko na batok mo. Baka magnanakaw ka kasi eh. Pero I'm sure this is the most effective way to sell you shit you don't really need.
Manong Jeepney: Bossing, i-cucut lang kita para tumigil sa harap mo! Ops, bawal magalit, nilawit ng konduktor ko yung paa niya, pwede na ako magswerve. Ahihihi. I have a right to be a nuisance since I was not born with a silver spoon. Spork lang, plastic pa. Saka bored nanaman kami ni missis kaya gumawa nanaman kami ng anak na hindi namin mapapakain. Also, let me stop in the pinakamasikip of masikip na eskinita so I do not hassle just one lane, but two! Wala naman kwenta yung "No loading/unloading sign" na iyan eh, look at me, I'm loading and unloading at walang paki si manong MMDA! Yes, my needs are more important than the safety and efficiency of the transportation system because you are rich and I am poor.
Manong MMDA: Ser, you are a private vehicle so it will be easier to hassle your masel. And I get neck pains when I turn my head to the direction of traffic violating buses and jeepneys, so ikaw nalang, ser! I have stopped you because... Ser, di bagay yung sando mo sa luob ng kotse. I will attempt to scare you with a ten thousand peso fine because I think I am smarter than you. Do you not see how well I tucked in my blue polo in my cargo shorts? May leather shoes pa, diba? That is the look of a really smart person, ser! Pero ser, pagmukha kang nagiisip ng konti, 'have a good day' nalang, ser!
Anti-smoke Belching Unit: Ser, you're in violation of the anti-smoke belching law since you're driving a diesel engine, bago o luma! You have to wait in line behind those ten other vehicles that I plan to ask for "lagay". It doesn't matter if it's totally discriminatory ser, nor the fact that you had clearance from the LTO! Nakita mo yung mataba kong kaibigan? Expert iyan sa emission testing, kita mong nagagawa niya trabaho niya habang nangungulangot! Di na kailangan mag-isip! Dibale nang walang pumapasa sa testing, ser, kailangan ko ng pang-coke eh!
Manong Guard: Halt! I shall inspect the belly of your vehicle because I'm sure it's the most convenient way of storing bombs. Pero isang side lang ha, masakit na paa ko kakaikot. Then, let me inspect your trunk and slam it shut just for the heck of it! After months of doing such effective safety routines, I now have super powers to determine the contents of the boxes and bags in your trunk without opening them. As you enter the establishment, let me run my hand up and down your nipple and pusod because I really think violating your personal space is a good way of saving lives! Don't worry, sir, I will pretend you're a woman so this won't be so awkward.
I will also violently stab your bag with my magic wand to determine if you're a threat while I make chismis with my co-hero about the latest Marian-Dingdong telenobela. Yes, I have totally protected this establishment.
Parking-Skwater: Koya, you should give me an unreasonably big tip for uselessly waving my arms and putting myself in harm's way by standing behind your vehicle! Da effort, koya, da effort! Nevermind the fact that you would have seen the empty slot without my help since I'm restraining myself from scratching your car with the ice pick in my pocket. Pota, bente lang? 40 pesos yung parking fee dito, akin yung kalsada kasi dito ako pinalaki. Saka hello, kailangan ko ng pambili ng hair dye, nabubura na yung pagka-blonde ko. Pakyu, ang kuripot mo! Pakyu!
Yes, more fun in the Philippines.
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