Open Letter to PNoy

Dear Ab-Noy,

Please listen carefully.  This is a reaction to your most recent press conference.  I will dumb things down for you because I am somewhat of a genius when it comes to Political Law. I plan to someday write a book called "Political Law for Dummies" at ibabato ko sa ulo mo ang autographed copy mo. I won't even need to cite a boring provision of the Constitution to explain why you're wrong on so many levels.

This is me, a school boy, schooling the President of this joke of a country. You should really hire me, you know. I'll save you from the embarrassment that happens everytime you open your mouth.

Beyond the not so complicated Constitutional provision that you can't seem to grasp are the underlying reasons why what you insist is 'right' is actually wrong:

1. The Constitution is the fundamental law of the land. 

It was established under the premise that its rules are for the good of the people. Yes, your bosses who you don't seem to listen to. Therefore, anything that goes against it will lose. Say bye bye to your Admin Code defense, even if your mother created that back she had legislative powers as the President during the Freedom Constitution. That's like an ex-girlfriend, wag mo nang ipilit yan.

 2. The country is called a "Republic" for a reason. Hence, the following characteristics:

A. A characteristic of being a Republic is that "We are a government of law, and not of men." Ano ba ibig sabihin niyan? It means it does not matter who you are or how good your intentions may be, you follow the damn law. No person is above the law. The law gave you the powers, and you cannot act beyond it.

Why is this important? It's to prevent those in power from acting arbitrarily and for personal reasons, no matter how noble the intentions are. If you don't see the danger of allowing laws to be bent for what you feel is "right", how can you tell where you will draw the line? The road to hell is paved with good intentions. Your daang matuwid is starting to look like hell.

B. Another characteristic is called "Separation of Powers", which is intended to prevent a concentration of authority in one person or group of persons. Yes you, I'm talking to you. Napapanot ka na sa tigas ng ulo mo, ayaw mo parin makinig.

Under the Doctrine of "Separation of Powers", there's a principle called "Check and Balance" as well. This is to prevent you, from encroaching on the jobs of Congressmen, and the Courts, your co-equal bodies. Somehow you manage to usurp the "Power of the Purse" of Congress, and are now attempting to do the job of the Supreme Court in interpreting the law.

Congress is like your wife, it asks you to bring home the bacon through taxes, and tells you how it should be spent. That's why it's called "Power of the Purse". Why would you take your wife's purse? Bakla ka ba? Di yan bagay sayo.

C. A third characteristic you've violated is the principle of "Accountability". In a nutshell, it means that public office is a public trust. Hence, every person working in the government shall be liable for their wrong doings. As the President, you are impeachable. How can you now be impeachable when you hold the Senate(the people who have the power to impeach you) by their balls?

Due to your DAP, you were able to oust the Chief Justice by secretly bribing the Senate. Now you can't be impeached because the very people who have that power were paid by the same money. In summary, you managed to violate the "Separation of Powers" by stealing your wife's purse and have thrown away "Accountability" because you bribed those who can punish you. Nasabihan ka ng mali yun, ayaw mo pa makinig. Sir, that is pride sir. Deadly sin yan. Magagalit si baby Jesus.

Now whether or not your acts are actually grounds for impeachment is something we can argue about another day. But just a personal opinion, yes, you culpably violated the Constitution(heller, nagfile ka ng bill to prevent GMA from doing what you're doing now, so obviously you know it's not allowed),bribed Congressmen, promoted graft and corruption, and betrayal of public trust(favoritism towards Abad, tyrannical abuse of authority). You Napoles-coddling-minion-looking President, you.

If you were an actor, you'd be Robin Padilla. #medyobadboy

Gets mo na bakit bawal? I didn't even need to cite that provision of the Constitution that you blatantly violated. Repeat after me: "DAP is bad. It is not good" Yaaaay! Bigyan ng jacket... Straight jacket.

Some Things You Just Don’t Joke About

Just this afternoon, I saw in my Facebook newsfeed a friend of mine ranting about something his Chinese neighbor did.  This resulted to a comment on his status by some Chinese national calling my friend a “maid” because he’s part Filipino and he should clean toilets.  It bothered me so much that I fired back a comment saying that if the comment of his friend, the Chinese guy, is as funny as the guy’s face, I’d be laughing.

Shots fired! Shots fired! *brings out popcorn*

It turned out that they weren’t really fighting.   Whoops, sorry, my mistake.  It just seemed like a legit fight.  By the way, it’s 1 am and I’m writing this while I’m a little intoxicated, so maybe that’s why I feel so strongly about what happened.

Anyway highway, despite being an epal to their private joke, I really didn’t feel bad for saying what I said.   Why, gulay?  Although my sense of humor has a broad spectrum, that joke was of poor taste.   Come on, mamon, it’s almost as taboo as joking with a black guy about slavery.

Apparently, alcohol makes me rhyme in the worst way ever.  I wonder if Eminem started this way?   It would be cool to be the Filipino who looked Chinese and rapped like JayZ.  United Colors of Benetton ang peg. Aaaand I’ve gone off topic.

C’mon, as much as there is so much to hate about the Filipino culture, I’ll be the first to defend it from some foreigner.  American, Chinese, or whatever, put ‘em up, bitch.  Wag lang Russian, them batak people will probably kill me with one arm.

 First, it was made during Independence Day.  (Technically, Independence Day happened on the 4th, but whatever) Hello, it’s the day the Philippines finally lost its training wheels.  Personally though, I would want those training wheels put back on because we’re taking care of this country just as bad as Justin Bieber’s way of taking care of his reputation.

Second, it's on social media.  Distasteful things like that shouldn't be shared for the whole world to see, much like those trending "after sex" selfies.

Third, a maid is a maid; that’s a fact.  However, why would one use it in a demeaning manner?   Joking or not, it’s unacceptable.

No one wants to be a maid.  It’s a very humble position in society, with low pay, and most of the time, under less than desirable working conditions.  You know what else it is? It’s also honest work... Unless you’re one of those maids who steal from their employer or help set up scams, then you have my permission to die.

 Obviously, the reason one would turn to such employment is because they have no other employable skill set.  They have a choice of either mag-ligpit sila ng kama, or humiga sila sa kama.  This misfortune is brought about by lack of education, which in turn was brought about by poverty (most of the time. Sometimes ayaw lang mag-aral)

Our economic status in life is often dictated by a shuffle of the cards: The lucky ones get born with a silver spoon, while the unlucky ones get a spork na napulot sa kalye.  So why would you ridicule someone’s lowly status in life to which he or she had no hand in?

I admit that I will probably never see things eye to eye with someone who has known true hunger.  I can never claim to understand the people living in poverty.  I even dislike, no wait, hate those who use poverty as a reason for self-entitlement.  (Read my previous post about Jejemons, you’ll get me)  My inability to truly relate to the less privileged however, does not mean I will give them less respect than they deserve.

Let’s go to the other end of the spectrum and compare a position filled with fame, money and power; would you say that being a Senator in the Philippines is a more honorable position deserving utmost respect?  True, you’d have a better life, but at what cost?  I’d rather be related to someone’s manang, rather than Senator Revilla.   That guy…  he deserves a rant totally dedicated to him.    He should stick to making those horrible panday movies.  Sir, I’ve seen your biceps and the contents of your brain… I am not impressed by either; both are just full of fat.

 To whoever wrote his privilege speech, please stop wasting tax payers’ money and die now.   The logic in his monologue was basically: “Don’t go after me because you have other problems” Sonuvagun, his corruption (and the other Congressmen) is the source of all those other problems.   Please commit hara-kiri already.  I shall watch with the same enthusiasm of a 5 year old kid and even do a selfie so I can post on Instagram and have a million likes so I can be famous and run for a position of power so I can save this country.

So to individuals who choose to disrespect and use as basis for ridicule those who clean toilets, or those who drive around some rich person, or those who wait tables, I would like to send a virtual karate chop to your balls.  Stop this doucheyness now, there are just some things you shouldn’t joke about.

Walang Ganyan Sa States (Part 1)

The Philippine Government and Its Officials

Marshmallow Democratic System:

I once got into an argument with my law professor regarding democracy. In a nutshell, it led to him asking me if I wanted to remove democracy in our political set up, to which I hesitantly lied and answered "No sir" and gave some BS answer showing my support for the big D word(No, not the reproductive organ, silly. Wag gross, this is an intellectual article) The truth is, we don't deserve democracy.

What is this fancy word 'democracy' anyways? De-mo-krasi, in essence means "The rule of many". The truth is, democracy simply does not work for this country.  Why? Immaturity. We are too immature for this political system to flourish. Remember the marshmallow experiment where kids were given marshmallows with a promise that should they choose to wait, the marshmallows given would be doubled? The smarter ones reaped bigger rewards of sugary goodness by waiting... er no, we are not the smarter one in this case. We're the kid who just stuffed himself with the white puff as soon as the door closed. Sorry, but that's the truth.

Being the impatient kid who lives in the perpetual present, we attack the marshmallow with gusto, "get in my mouth now, marshy! Nomnomnom!!!"

In economics, one of the important concepts is the power of incentive. It is the motivation that influences an individual to the choice he will make. During elections, this incentive is known as "perang naka-ipit sa sandwich ni 'ateh' at 'koyah'." Now, the power of these incentives are less influential when the 'ateh' or 'koyah' has a fatter wallet, or is educated enough to see behind that charming smile flashed by our politicians; these educated individuals may vote for reasons which have a longer term of effect than those damn sandwiches, i.e. better political climate, improved business stability, lessening of corruption etc.

Weighing the amount of people easily influenced by the sandwiches versus the amount of people voting for more long term reasons, who wins?  According to the NSO, in 2012, we had 4.2 million people living in poverty(which increases yearly), poverty defined as living with an ANNUAL salary of Php 18,935. That's Php 1,578 per month, or Php 394 per week, to be divided by let's say, a family of 5.  Wala ng pangload si ate.  Obviously, these numbers are grossly conservative.

So is it really a democratic system when the rule of the many is determined by uneducated votes of sandwiches with extra palaman? Is it democracy when the "choice of the people" is strongly influenced by the necessities of a hungry tummy which in reality is brought about by those being voted for in order to remain in power? In other words, is it really democracy when your choice is pre-determined by powerful individuals who want to keep "the people" hungry and controllable?

What I'm saying, if you're still with me here, is that in the Philippine setting, democracy is basically the rule of the most number of influential sandwiches and we don't deserve it.

Role Playing Geniuses

From a nationwide perspective:
In 2016, elections are coming up, hence, we see our highly respectable Congressmen vying for their moment in the spotlight by conducting these extremely important televised Inquiries "In Aid of Legislation" to investigate anomalies which happened right under their noses. Yes mga sirs, talagang wala kayong alam kung paano nangyari mga yan, hence the need to inquire.

The problem with this is that they(the Congressmen)  firstly, under our system of government,  like to pretend that they are a court of justice, forgetting that their job is to legislate and not to determine if someone is guilty or innocent.   Claiming that these hearings are done "in aid of legislation", where exactly are the fruits showing that they have indeed crafted laws to avoid repetition of such anomalies? So they scrapped the PDAF and just renamed the damn thing to circumvent the laws they just crafted.

What does Donald Trump do when an employee fails to perform his functions? He looks at the under-performing employee like he's vomit, and says "You're fired!" I'm not saying that Congress is under performing, God no. I mean, it only took them more than a decade to enact the R.H. Bill which is just one of the MOST IMPORTANT BILLS in Philippine history.  Neither am I saying they look like vomit, c'mon we've got "Sexy" and "Pogi" in office, diba?

Secondly, investigating anomalies done by yourselves or by your peers? Allow me to provide a couple of words describing their act; conflict of interest, biased, politicized... in short, highly unnecessary gestures to recover the "trust" of the people. Y u waste tax money, silly Senators?

On the Executive(President) side, we've got an administration who gets confused or pretends to not know any better, forgetting that the budgeting process belongs to the Congressmen.  So basically, in making the national budget for the year, the President can only recommend the amounts to be used in the budget(this acts as a limit to the maximum amount that can be appropriated by our super honorable Congressmen.)

The President cannot say "oh, put X amount of pesos in this project." (but that's exactly what he did with the DAP.) Under the Philippine Constitution, he can only say "hanggang X amount of pesos lang for that project, okay, you group of selfless individuals reeking of honor and trustworthiness(Congress)?"

His power is limited to getting savings from the executive branch projects(which was already determined by Congress in their creation of the national budget) in another executive project.  He used this power to defend the DAP. Really? Savings is the amount left over from an expenditure. It's basically "oh may natira sa Project Z, ang galing, ilipat ko nga sa Project Y." Mr. President, I don't know what dictionary you're using, but taking a budget before it is used for that purpose is in no way "savings". Stop this silliness.

So we've got Congress who thinks it's a judge, and a President who thinks he's Congress itself. Really, these people should go open their Constitutional Law books before running for office.

Selfless Servants Of the People

What's the difference between a foreign public official versus that of a Filipino public official? Clue. It has five syllables. Delikadeza.  It means a sense of propriety regarding to sensitivity to the limits of proper behavior.  Let's face it, politics is dirty business all over the world,  but you've got to give it to the Filipinos to be the most kapal muks.

Riddle me this:
A. Which Senator refused to go on leave despite solid allegations of graft and corruption? Whoops, trick question, because the answer is all of them. However, if you thought of Jinggoy Estrada, you still get a cookie for being up to date Yay.
B. Which Vice President became a President, and after her term ran for lower office in order to help avoid her prosecution? Clue. She's so special that her timely medical problems can only be properly treated abroad. Sirit? If you guessed GMA, congratulations! You get another cookie.
C. Which Congressman was convicted for raping a minor and claimed that he shouldn't be imprisoned because "the people" will be deprived of political representation to their detriment? Clue. He got to leave the compounds of prison whenever he wanted to. If you guessed Jalosjos, congratulations!  Sorry, wala na akong cookie.
D. Which executive appointee was caught in a video playing in a casino with her feet up on the slot machine, which is prohibited by law?  It's LTO Chief Virginia Torres who claims that she was just attracted by the lights of the machine.  May lahing lamok pala si Chief eh, naattract ng ilaw.

In fact the rarity of delikadeza is so rare, that the Senate itself applauded former Senator Zubiri when he resigned from his post back in 2011 when it was proven that he won through election fraud.  He was called a "gentleman" for doing so.  Our standards for proper behavior has sunk so low that a cheater caught cheating is already a gentleman for stepping down.  Huwaw. 

"Anti-Rich" Comments

I think I've just read too many "Anti-rich" comments from that Xaverian's blog regarding his immersion experience as a bagger-boy in SM. His blog was well written, respectful and appreciative of his unique experience. (Link below) So here's my two cents about the silly comments I read.

First of, let me define what being a "Jejemon" is. A jejemon is a person who uses his sad situation in life to justify the violation of the equal rights of his fellowmen through inconsiderate acts and irrational arguments. That is my version of jejemon, nothing more nothing less. It's not about what you have in your bank account, it just so happens that most of them are clad in basketball jerseys and have placed a ridiculous rainbow cap right on top of their heads, at tambay ng eskinita.

Allow me to point out the most common comments:

1) "Do not objectify poor people, hindi ito 'zoo'."

A zoo is where people go to observe animals. Xaverians don't go standing around the SM grocery and simply observe people working. Kaya nga 'immersion' eh. We put in the work the same way every regular employee does in order to inculcate in ourselves that "Hey, remember how hard it was to be a regular blue collar worker? We should set better policies to uplift them."

Whatever 'special treatment' we received was due to the kind understanding of the SM employees that it was our first time to experience bagging groceries, hence, we had to be taught the ropes to be efficient.

To the jejemons who think like this, I'm pretty sure you all smell like animals and trust me when I say, I have no desire to 'observe' you. Please lang. I have too many beautiful family and friends that I would rather look at than you.

2) "Bagger boy lang? Dapat pawalisin yan ng mga kalsada sa eskinita!"

Eh kung ikaw kaya magwalis ng tapat ng sarili mong bahay? Why don't you clean up your own yard rather than just squat by the sidewalk sucking on rugby fumes? How about you get one of your fifty children to clean your own streets?

The intangible effect of impressing the true conditions of a blue collar worker will do more to affect these future leaders than sweeping the front steps of your house, you lazy ass. The purpose of the immersion is not to serve the marginalized people, but rather to open the eyes of the sheltered youth in the hope of bearing fruit that social conditions will improve in the future. If you still don't understand that, please, stop breeding. Chances are, your kid will be as dumb as you.

3)"4 days lang immersion nila? Babalik din sila sa masarap nilang buhay! Walang kwenta"

Well you ignorant jejemon, kung ikaw nga ayaw mo yung buhay mo, bakit naman sila makikipagpalit sayo? I'm sorry but what kind of argument is that?

If the very purpose of your existence is to survive in a miserable manner, and you have no desire to improve your lifestyle, then I feel sorry for you. If, however, you desire to live a comfortable life, then you sir, are a hypocrite towards those who already achieved that goal. So to whoever made that argument, please, just roll over and die. Really, save us from your carbon dioxide and future spawns.

To Carlos Celdran, you drugged up motherfucker, who the hell do you think you are picking on high school kids whose only fault was to be born in a well off family? If ever your post was just a misunderstanding, choose your words more wisely, otherwise, just shut the fuck up. Forgive my french, but no one bashes my alma mater.

I'm Ronaldo Sioco and I'm from Xavier School, bitch.

The blog: http://lifestyle.inquirer.net/131783/my-stint-as-an-sm-grocery-bagger

An Open Letter To Our Pinoy Commuters:

Dear Ma'ams and Sirs,

This is regarding your complaints about the current implementations by the Government to have some form of control over the years, wait, no, decades of abuse and laziness. I would like to say, F U. F U for the following reasons:

1) "Ano ba yan, ngayon kailangan ko pa maglakad."
Tunginuh you. Bawal kalyohin paa mo, teh? Huwag choosy pag-hindi yummy. In your case, bawal magpakasosyal ang hindi sosy. Go put on some deodorant or tawas, get a freakin' face towel, and start walking to the proper loading/unloading zone. You want to have the benefits of having a car? Then go buy one. Oh that's right, you can't afford a freakin' car. If you can't afford a car, that means you aren't rich enough to demand freedom from any physical exertion, you lazy-ass mother thumpin' piece of TAE( Taong Ayaw mag-Effort). Either get a boyfriend with a freakin' car, o magpa-buhat ka sa kanya. Di ka kayang buhatin? Odi magpapayat ka.

Take me for example, I park and walk a good 10-15mins to the nearest train station while lugging around a 35 pound bag. Do I need to take a freakin train? No, but I don't choose to act like a freakin' prima donna and bitch about it. Masmaarte pa kayo sa may kaya eh.

2) Years Of Wrong Don't Make It Right
So for decades you've been dodging cars along EDSA just to catch a stupid bus. Such practice has gone on for so long that the MMDA was forced to put up a chicken fence for us human beings. A CHICKEN EFFIN' FENCE. Years of getting away with being lazy does not justify your actions nor preclude changing for the better. We're probably the only country in the civilized universe who needs herding. The retarded thing is, you people still jump the freakin' fence. Da f*ck, right.

3) Para Kayong China
You silly people are acting like those mainland morons who make cancerous milk products. Similarly, it doesn't mean that you are the majority, or in China's case, the "Bigger" body, makes you correct and gives you the right to inconvenience the rest of the population. "Public Transportation", contrary to popular belief, was not intended to benefit just the people who cannot afford cars. It's intended to benefit the entire population by making traveling efficient and effective.

Sincerely,
Someone who hates you all so much for all your mentally deficient reasoning.

P.S. If you are insulted, please understand that I don't effin' care. You can take your anger and stick it up your ass. Have a great day.

A Country is a Reflection of Its Transportation System

Since everyone has been so angry about the latest "brilliant" MMDA proposal regarding the two-day color coding system, I decided to repost something I wrote months ago. Uso pa ata yung RH Bill debate nun. It's an old one, but I guess still timely, considering the circumstances.

If this were a thesis, my statement would be:
A Country is a Reflection of Its Transportation System:

Why, you ask? Similar to actual life in the Metro, when you step out of the comfort and safety of your home, condo, office or computer shop (if you happen to be in one as of the moment) and what do you experience?
The real world. It's dirty, congested, dangerous and full of rules that no one really seems to follow.

First we have the public transportation populous. These are the jeepneys and buses representing the underprivileged. Iyung nagpapatugtog ng "Spaghetti Song" at "Dota o Ako?" They're loud, unruly, and there's a lot of them. A Lot. So much that if this were a tiangge, 'buy one take two' na. I guess when one does not have an iPad to play with... Lam na. Most of them justify their actions for their daily needs in life.

They feel entitled to be above the rules of society because they were already dealt with a bad hand. They don't care about those around them as long as they get what they need, and there's nothing we can do about it because there's almost nothing to take away from them. "Oh, there's a 'No Loading/Unloading' sign? Let me stop just in front of it so I can read it while passengers board my awesome-dragon-ball-Z painted love machine." We go woozah na lang, then tweet "die jejemon, dieee!"

Also we have the private sector; these are the cars other than the abovementioned. If you happen to be driving, look to your left. That guy in the Honda picking his nose, yep, that's who I'm talking about. These are the people ranging from the "medyo" poor to average. They follow the rules but will probably break them if they could get away with it. The "medyo" poor to average are more law abiding because they have enough in life to lose, but not enough to be above the rules. These are the people who tweet about the jejemon that just cut him off.

Then we have the influential and omfg-sarap-mong-kidnapin rich. These are the cars that cost more than the average house. They have either the power or the money to be the Kings of the Road (sometimes Wang-wang equipped, police escorted epaloids) They have their fingers in everything, and can't be apprehended... If apprehended, one of those fingers, will form a big F U sign coz they can afford it(Robert Carabuena thought he was one of them, di pala. I feel you, bro.)

Let's not forget about the traffic enforcers, those uniformed "public servants". They represent our leaders. A few good ones, a lot of bad. They direct the flow of this country through legislation, keeping everyone in check. Without them, this chaos would be more chaotic. They should be respected, but sometimes you just want to go Carabuena on them. Sometimes they actually know what they're doing, but sometimes they just quote bloggers, twisting things to fit their cause (Tito Sotto, I am talking about you, you kapal-faced person). Parang babae; can't live with them, can't live without them... But since they lack the sexy curves and boobies, just two words: necessary evil.

Finally, we have the pot holes. Often, unexpected and undeserved by the law abiding citizen. They either happen because someone did not do their job right, or we were just too lazy to avoid it, or force majeure(that's just a fancy term for Act of God. Never heard of it? Try riding one of our local airlines, uso iyan dun.) These pot holes can merely annoy us or devastate us, depending on the damage to our car(which is a metaphor for our lives, in case you still don't get it. If you still don't, why da puck are we still friends? Just kidding, wag sensitive.)

So with all this negativity in our attempt to traverse the great EDSA, what do have left to look forward to? With all the randomness, some people stay for the long drive, most just for the short trip. Amidst the epals and epaloids, we can choose who we want to ride with in this journey; our passengers can either be our family, our friends, and our significant other. They make our lives more exciting, more meaningful, and sometimes just laugh-out-loud funny, making the ride worth it.
This is just my take on how life is like in the Philippines, and hopefully it makes some sense.

Disclaimer: any resemblance to actual life is purely coincidental, except to Tito Sotto. No amount of cosmic supernatural 'invisible hand' thingamajig can come together to replicate the level of idiocy that lolo-wolverine-wannabe has shown.

2012

Pinoy Mindsets That I Really Do Not Understand

Sales person: Hi sir, welcome. Feel free to look around as I watch you like a hawk and stand beside you really close. Gusto ko sobrang lapit. Ayan maamoy ko na batok mo. Baka magnanakaw ka kasi eh. Pero I'm sure this is the most effective way to sell you shit you don't really need. 

Manong Jeepney: Bossing, i-cucut lang kita para tumigil sa harap mo! Ops, bawal magalit, nilawit ng konduktor ko yung paa niya, pwede na ako magswerve. Ahihihi. I have a right to be a nuisance since I was not born with a silver spoon. Spork lang, plastic pa. Saka bored nanaman kami ni missis kaya gumawa nanaman kami ng anak na hindi namin mapapakain. Also, let me stop in the pinakamasikip of masikip na eskinita so I do not hassle just one lane, but two! Wala naman kwenta yung "No loading/unloading sign" na iyan eh, look at me, I'm loading and unloading at walang paki si manong MMDA! Yes, my needs are more important than the safety and efficiency of the transportation system because you are rich and I am poor.

Manong MMDA: Ser, you are a private vehicle so it will be easier to hassle your masel. And I get neck pains when I turn my head to the direction of traffic violating buses and jeepneys, so ikaw nalang, ser! I have stopped you because... Ser, di bagay yung sando mo sa luob ng kotse. I will attempt to scare you with a ten thousand peso fine because I think I am smarter than you. Do you not see how well I tucked in my blue polo in my cargo shorts? May leather shoes pa, diba? That is the look of a really smart person, ser! Pero ser, pagmukha kang nagiisip ng konti, 'have a good day' nalang, ser!

Anti-smoke Belching Unit: Ser, you're in violation of the anti-smoke belching law since you're driving a diesel engine, bago o luma! You have to wait in line behind those ten other vehicles that I plan to ask for "lagay". It doesn't matter if it's totally discriminatory ser, nor the fact that you had clearance from the LTO! Nakita mo yung mataba kong kaibigan? Expert iyan sa emission testing, kita mong nagagawa niya trabaho niya habang nangungulangot! Di na kailangan mag-isip! Dibale nang walang pumapasa sa testing, ser, kailangan ko ng pang-coke eh!

Manong Guard: Halt! I shall inspect the belly of your vehicle because I'm sure it's the most convenient way of storing bombs. Pero isang side lang ha, masakit na paa ko kakaikot. Then, let me inspect your trunk and slam it shut just for the heck of it! After months of doing such effective safety routines, I now have super powers to determine the contents of the boxes and bags in your trunk without opening them. As you enter the establishment, let me run my hand up and down your nipple and pusod because I really think violating your personal space is a good way of saving lives! Don't worry, sir, I will pretend you're a woman so this won't be so awkward.
I will also violently stab your bag with my magic wand to determine if you're a threat while I make chismis with my co-hero about the latest Marian-Dingdong telenobela. Yes, I have totally protected this establishment.

Parking-Skwater: Koya, you should give me an unreasonably big tip for uselessly waving my arms and putting myself in harm's way by standing behind your vehicle! Da effort, koya, da effort! Nevermind the fact that you would have seen the empty slot without my help since I'm restraining myself from scratching your car with the ice pick in my pocket. Pota, bente lang? 40 pesos yung parking fee dito, akin yung kalsada kasi dito ako pinalaki. Saka hello, kailangan ko ng pambili ng hair dye, nabubura na yung pagka-blonde ko. Pakyu, ang kuripot mo! Pakyu!

Yes, more fun in the Philippines.